A letter to myself at 16.

    What do I say to myself at 16 that would preserve, yet enhance the woman I am now? Because I can't go back, and I think most of the choices I made were good ones. There is not much I would change about my life today. I didn't know I was pretty, so I was busy  forming opinions and reading books. I was doing everything I could to survive my sophomore year. I  had a  really fantastic, committed boyfriend.  The only thing odd was his being a Pentecostal. I remember going to church with him a few times.  I still wore jewelry and make up there.  I was respectful, yet I was still true to myself.  God saw me everyday. I was not going to change the way I looked to please someone else.  I'm still the same way.  I had been that way since I could remember.

    




    School was not that bad. Going home was the worst part. Jeffery made that better. He took me home from school first. Then drop off my friends. Then he would come back to my house.  Most often not leave until after dinner. This was every day for 10 months.  We were 16. We were both virgins. He never pushed  to go any further than I was willing. He truly respected women, and in turn respected me. I was lucky to have him in my corner. I regret breaking his heart. 

                                                                        Easter, 1992. 16 years old


   OK, I take it back, there  are a few things I  would change.  I would tell myself to study harder. I would still be me if I would have made better grades. If I could have been a little less headstrong about Algebra.   I would tell that girl that she was really going to need to master all the math she could. I would tell her to go to sleep at night instead of reading.  No I take that back.  I would tell her to stop sleeping in class and skipping school to go shopping. I would thank her for the funny essays written in World History. I would thank  Coach Zachary for finding them funny. Instead , I was  being embarrassed when he read a few out loud, hoping other's would find them just as funny.  I would have paid more attention to Julius Caesar in English. I would have learned and recited Marc Anthony's Oration. 


  I would also have told that girl to stand up with her fists every time some mean girl made fun of her in P.E.. I would have whispered in her ear that one day she was going to love being a  D cup and thank her for wearing  great bras.I would applaud her  audacity to run and jump.  I would never let her sit in the bleachers wasting time. I would have practiced at being an athlete. I would have told her to love her body for the amazing machine it was. I would have told her to be careful of her food choices. I would have remained active .I would have gone to a few dances. I would have learned how to fix my eyebrows. I would have lost my virginity as planned on New Years. Sorry Jeffery. 

                                  defying grunge with big hair and lame'


 I would tell my 16 year old self to stand up  at home . I'm sorry I let my mother get away for trampling my self esteem. I wish I would have been strong enough to tell her I was none of the things  she said .  I was not lazy, selfish, a slut or a whore.  I would have recognized her for what she was: jealous of a pretty daughter.  She was  in her late 40's  and youth was fading for her as I was budding.  I would tell my 16 year old self I had done nothing wrong. 


  I would tell her that yes, it's OK to really love your friends. Staying in the area means that you will always have those same friends.  Hell, they are going to keep you grounded and remind you  of how much they love you even now. 

                             Kellie, Misty and Me. Friends since junior high, friends today.




I would let a couple of cats out of the bag.  I would tell her that I was going to have amazing children.  I would tell her that she would lose touch and then reconnect with  her old friends from childhood.  I would tell her that they admired the courage she had back then.  I would tell her that yes, they thought I looked great in my crazy ensembles.  I would let her know that they admired my creativity. I would also tell her she was going to survive, to become an incredible woman.  Wait, she already knew that.  She already was. 

Greed: a group blogging experience re post.

 I am an attention whore of the highest extreme.  I don't know how or why people put up with me.  I  prance around like a drag queen.  I  take  numerous pictures of myself bcause I  feel the need (as a former ugly duckling) to record every "Good Face Day".  I think I am the authority on all things fashion, food and taste.  Manners too.  I am  sulky if I am not complimented ten times a day. I must be everyone's favorite.  I  dominate  many  conversations.  I can't help it.  My opinion is the only opinion I care about!   I have my humble moments.  I don't mind pointing out my  mistakes.




    I want to  have  my funeral in the largest church in my home town. It has arena seating. It holds aproximately half the population of Minden Louisiana.  I  want it filled to bursting with people and flowers.  I need every flower in the tri state area.  Only thier sweetness  and beauty in masse can adequately  compare to mine while living .If  I don't have enough friends to fill every pew, hire me some.  I  want everyone who has ever come in contact with  to say a few words.   Make that deliver  whole orations to my  goodness, my beauty, my intelligence.   Someone find my second grade teacher.  She can wax poetic about my coloring skills and ability to tell right from left.  She knows I should have gotten that solo in our Cabbage Patch Kids program.  It doesn't matter that none of the other kids had one either.  Find the check out girl at Wal-Mart.  Our 30 second conversation about dog food changed her life! I know this! Pipe the program over a loudspeaker so those who could not fit in the  church  and sweltering outside can hear  these sweet words too!  Hire some Arabic women to wail and  rend their hair and gnash thier teeth.  Find some old Irish women to cry Oshon Oshon!  I want a few crazy black women to faint every time  my name is mentioned.  Let them come too on thier own. They may faint, but not draw attention to themselves!

   Pall Bearers: Find all my  far flung ex boy friends.   20 is not too many , is it?  Besides, they will be so  grief stricken it will take that many.  I suggest going  all the way back to Junior High.  It's not my fault they lost the love of thier lives when I left them! I could love only so many.  Bring thier wives too.  They will look lovely in  strait jackets and ball gags.  Make sure they are  facing  full length  portraits of me in my prime.  I need not one picture by my casket, but  a dozen to show my progression into  beauty.  Let these be life sized.  


    Music: I will need the Mormon Tabernacle Choir there too.  In place of  the name father, son, Holy Ghost in hymn, replace them with my name.  I am  sure JC and the Boys will understand. Dave Grohl can play at the graveside.  I need an acoustic version of "Everlong" played reverently.  I hope he can play through the  ocean of tears that turn the  whole thing into a great muddy mess.


  Ectetera: I want  the banks to close. They close for every other useless holiday like President's Day and Columbus Day.  I  won't be needing money that day. Why  should they be open? Also, I apologize in advance for the traffic problems from the procession  from the church to the gravesite.  I  expect it to be clear in about  two hours. To insure the proper level of congestion, I recommend everyone come in separate vehicles.  Teach your  14 year old to  drive if  neccesary. 




 These are my  final wishes.  Not too much to ask, is it?  In the end, we all want to know we were loved.   

The light at the end of the Tunnel... I hope it's not another train!

    The holidays are over.  I am so relieved.  Hell, 2011 is over.  There is not much about the last 4 months of it I will miss.  Jobs were lost and found and  the resulting chaos made for the leanest Christmas I have ever given my children.  My consolation? They really enjoyed the gifts they were given. 


The best part? The new year looks like it can only get better. The residents of my house have been paired down to 5 adults and 2 children. There is a division of labor and bill paying that works for all of us.  We have let go of the  members of our house that were causing  us friction.  We even cleaned off the dining room table .  Even better?  That's where we eat dinner!  Speaking of dinner, we are  all on a health kick with my chef husband, G, aboard! 


The jobs? G is back home and teaching at job corps.  I have much hope for him as he reaches out to those kids that  are looking for one last chance to make it good. Me? I have a new job in a new office.  I  am soliciting and collecting  small loans.  I actually get to get up from my desk and talk to people in the room!  I interact with the public, face to face!  I had not realized how much I had missed that!


There is a lot of new this new year.  I'm ready for the change.