What do I say to myself at 16 that would preserve, yet enhance the woman I am now? Because I can't go back, and I think most of the choices I made were good ones. There is not much I would change about my life today. I didn't know I was pretty, so I was busy forming opinions and reading books. I was doing everything I could to survive my sophomore year. I had a really fantastic, committed boyfriend. The only thing odd was his being a Pentecostal. I remember going to church with him a few times. I still wore jewelry and make up there. I was respectful, yet I was still true to myself. God saw me everyday. I was not going to change the way I looked to please someone else. I'm still the same way. I had been that way since I could remember.
School was not that bad. Going home was the worst part. Jeffery made that better. He took me home from school first. Then drop off my friends. Then he would come back to my house. Most often not leave until after dinner. This was every day for 10 months. We were 16. We were both virgins. He never pushed to go any further than I was willing. He truly respected women, and in turn respected me. I was lucky to have him in my corner. I regret breaking his heart.
Easter, 1992. 16 years old
OK, I take it back, there are a few things I would change. I would tell myself to study harder. I would still be me if I would have made better grades. If I could have been a little less headstrong about Algebra. I would tell that girl that she was really going to need to master all the math she could. I would tell her to go to sleep at night instead of reading. No I take that back. I would tell her to stop sleeping in class and skipping school to go shopping. I would thank her for the funny essays written in World History. I would thank Coach Zachary for finding them funny. Instead , I was being embarrassed when he read a few out loud, hoping other's would find them just as funny. I would have paid more attention to Julius Caesar in English. I would have learned and recited Marc Anthony's Oration.
I would also have told that girl to stand up with her fists every time some mean girl made fun of her in P.E.. I would have whispered in her ear that one day she was going to love being a D cup and thank her for wearing great bras.I would applaud her audacity to run and jump. I would never let her sit in the bleachers wasting time. I would have practiced at being an athlete. I would have told her to love her body for the amazing machine it was. I would have told her to be careful of her food choices. I would have remained active .I would have gone to a few dances. I would have learned how to fix my eyebrows. I would have lost my virginity as planned on New Years. Sorry Jeffery.
defying grunge with big hair and lame'
I would tell my 16 year old self to stand up at home . I'm sorry I let my mother get away for trampling my self esteem. I wish I would have been strong enough to tell her I was none of the things she said . I was not lazy, selfish, a slut or a whore. I would have recognized her for what she was: jealous of a pretty daughter. She was in her late 40's and youth was fading for her as I was budding. I would tell my 16 year old self I had done nothing wrong.
I would tell her that yes, it's OK to really love your friends. Staying in the area means that you will always have those same friends. Hell, they are going to keep you grounded and remind you of how much they love you even now.
Kellie, Misty and Me. Friends since junior high, friends today.
I would let a couple of cats out of the bag. I would tell her that I was going to have amazing children. I would tell her that she would lose touch and then reconnect with her old friends from childhood. I would tell her that they admired the courage she had back then. I would tell her that yes, they thought I looked great in my crazy ensembles. I would let her know that they admired my creativity. I would also tell her she was going to survive, to become an incredible woman. Wait, she already knew that. She already was.
School was not that bad. Going home was the worst part. Jeffery made that better. He took me home from school first. Then drop off my friends. Then he would come back to my house. Most often not leave until after dinner. This was every day for 10 months. We were 16. We were both virgins. He never pushed to go any further than I was willing. He truly respected women, and in turn respected me. I was lucky to have him in my corner. I regret breaking his heart.
OK, I take it back, there are a few things I would change. I would tell myself to study harder. I would still be me if I would have made better grades. If I could have been a little less headstrong about Algebra. I would tell that girl that she was really going to need to master all the math she could. I would tell her to go to sleep at night instead of reading. No I take that back. I would tell her to stop sleeping in class and skipping school to go shopping. I would thank her for the funny essays written in World History. I would thank Coach Zachary for finding them funny. Instead , I was being embarrassed when he read a few out loud, hoping other's would find them just as funny. I would have paid more attention to Julius Caesar in English. I would have learned and recited Marc Anthony's Oration.
I would also have told that girl to stand up with her fists every time some mean girl made fun of her in P.E.. I would have whispered in her ear that one day she was going to love being a D cup and thank her for wearing great bras.I would applaud her audacity to run and jump. I would never let her sit in the bleachers wasting time. I would have practiced at being an athlete. I would have told her to love her body for the amazing machine it was. I would have told her to be careful of her food choices. I would have remained active .I would have gone to a few dances. I would have learned how to fix my eyebrows. I would have lost my virginity as planned on New Years. Sorry Jeffery.
I would tell my 16 year old self to stand up at home . I'm sorry I let my mother get away for trampling my self esteem. I wish I would have been strong enough to tell her I was none of the things she said . I was not lazy, selfish, a slut or a whore. I would have recognized her for what she was: jealous of a pretty daughter. She was in her late 40's and youth was fading for her as I was budding. I would tell my 16 year old self I had done nothing wrong.
I would tell her that yes, it's OK to really love your friends. Staying in the area means that you will always have those same friends. Hell, they are going to keep you grounded and remind you of how much they love you even now.
I would let a couple of cats out of the bag. I would tell her that I was going to have amazing children. I would tell her that she would lose touch and then reconnect with her old friends from childhood. I would tell her that they admired the courage she had back then. I would tell her that yes, they thought I looked great in my crazy ensembles. I would let her know that they admired my creativity. I would also tell her she was going to survive, to become an incredible woman. Wait, she already knew that. She already was.
Awesome blog. Thanks for your contributions to BFF. I always enjoy your work. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you. This was a fantastic exercise. I think my shrink would have approved.
ReplyDeleteI agree Sherri, all shrinks would approve of this exercise. It's very therapeutic. Great job and I love seeing the self approval written all over this one. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI think self approval is the gift you give yourself in your 30's. I find myself being kind and more gentle. You sound as if you have had a shrink of your own?
ReplyDeleteYou know--this was awesome...I enjoyed your letter to yourself. It would be great to be able to send a message back and reassure ourselves!! If only it were possible, right? Cheers, Jenn.
ReplyDelete